fing bored

I know I can't expect others to make me happy but the whole point of the weekend is to be able to seem mike but intead he has spent all day out in the heat doing free yard work for other people. What does that say about what he thinks of hanging out with me.no thanks I would rather be out in 115 degrees. I know this move was going to make everyone so happy. Some how I missed the happy pill but the rest seemed to have got the right dose durring the trip.

Equal Pain

I also am having a problem caring. I lost a little when I first started to blog again but i have no been very forward moving on dieting. I did give up coffee have not had any in two or three days and the head is even not hurting this afternoon. I have been eatting a some what healthy. Yogurt or oatmeal of some sort for breakfast. Small lunches. and even dinners have not but overly huge and out done. Yet the pounds seem to not only want to stay on but increas in size. Only time will tell.

What's eating me.

Not doing good on the diet, if I'm not careful I'll lose all the progress. Part of me really doesn't care that much I suppose and I really loathe that part of me.

Getting Grovey

Life seems okay. Weight today 214.8 no loss but a little gain. O well it happens I have in no way really been trying to diet but I think about it at least once a day lol. Ems on second day of school work and so far so good. She is not fighting me on it YET. I hope we can keep it up. I have also set up a schedual for us and Im hoping this will help. We do 30 mins of reading from her what your 1st and 2nd grader need to know. We should be done with the 1st grade one but it never happened last year so were making up for it this year. After reading we get dressed and make our bed and clean our rooms. Then we do 30 mins of HOP ( thanks to lydia) We have now bought K-3 HOP program on ebay of course and it has helped SOOOO much. We got the K set free so we started there but she is zooming right along so I would guess we will be done with K with in the month and moving on to 1st grade. I hope she does just as well there so we can spend the rest the year on 2nd grade level reading. After HOP time we move to paper work. She does about 8 two sided pages a day. We have a full online program and I have read that alot of parents that use it do nothing more but REALLY kids got to learn to write at some point. after paperwork we do computer time and our last thing is 15 mins of Alone reading time. Right now she is just reading the HOP books from the K set that she already know but once we get her a little more cought up I found this online site that does book test for library book just like AR in school. They even send her free gifts once she starts getting points. after reading time she does her afternoon chores and then FREEDOM. Home schooling is so much easyer when your not trying to work and go to school at the same time. While I may be adding school back in it looks like for now no work unless I can find something part time from home. It would be really nice but im not going to hold my breath.

Off with a Bang

So I seem to be bloging more about life then weight but I say weight is directy connected to life. Today Emily start second grade and so far things are off to a good start. Or at least as good as they get for homeschool life. We didnt start on time but we started so I am happy. I have not clue what I weight today but im doubting any huge loss. Mike went back to work today of course and Im okay with it so far. Also my grandmother and her next door lady have asked Mike to do yard work. $200 a month for the two yards. That 200 puts us above water. I would still like to find a part time job. I know dad has a few bills that I have yet to take over. He sure gave up the light bill but is keeping on to 3 little bills. He will be out of money soon and i know he hate the idea of us supporting him but why make a big deal. Put your big boy pants on and lets talk numbers. No coffee today but yesterday I was not as good.Overall good day. Going to grams tonight so mike can start on their yard and my main goal once emily is done with school work.... A NAP lol

LOVE LOVE LOVE

Okay so I have been less then inspired. Haveing Mike here for the weekend makes the weekends my new best friend. I know they have been for most people in america for 100 years but I have never worked a 9-5 monday thru friday job where the weekend really made any difference. So love number two is my Lydia is writing again. It helps alot gives me somthing to look forward to on checking the blogs. Mom wanted me to participate in the blogs for years and never have I had any interest. Now I want to participate and she is not here. My thrid love for the day is dad got up started cleaning the kithen and even decided to make food. Eggs bacon and pancakes. I know its only going to be short lived but its nice to have him out of his bedroom doing somthing productive. He mowed the lawn yesterday too. So there we have it my three loves for the day. Mike, Lydia and Dad. As for weight im 214 need to lose 7 pounds to get back to my TX weight. As for job LMFAO its not really happening but. As long as we buy nothing and do nothing fun we will skate by with $50 still in the bank. Not alot but positive it better then negitive. School for Emily starts on monday and I can't get a job then I feel I should try and be the best darn 2nd grade teacher Emily could ever have. Im sure its just cuz Mike is some and I fear my funk will come back on Monday but ill try to bask in it for now.

CORN!!

I have no clue what I weigh anymore but i am going to but I am going to take a wild guess at 205, could be less. Could be more (realistically maybe). I have come to the conclusion that I am pretty shitty at dieting.Unless the pounds are flying off I amjust not that motivated. I watched a quasi documentery at about corn this morning and I realized that corn is evil. I believe it is what is making America fat. So... I am going to see if I can live a week without eating anything that contains a corn product. I know cows eat corn but I am not about to give up milk at this juncture. Breakfast HEB shredded wheat. No corn or corn products there. Score!!

I get it, I really do. I had a pair of her reading glasses and I just gave them to Dona when I saw her. I know what it is like to want to hold on, after my Lindy died I let a few things go too quickly and then I found myself wanting them. Just wanting to hang onto something I suppose, something I could touch. An object an item that said hey you are real I didn't just dream you up. Not like you could ever think that about your mother but it has been 20 years since Lindy left me and and honestly I don't feel her very much any more and that makes me sad, I remember what she looks like because of the pictures that I have, but the ones in my mind are not as clear. I am so sorry that you ever have to feel alone and part of me hurts very much for your father because I cannot even begin to imagine what his loss must feel like but then another part of me wants to knock some sense into the man. I don't know that he knows how this is effecting you. This is all that he can do to be there with you, and i don't know any answers to anything. I always suggest pouring out your soul on paper. Probably because that is the only way that I know how to do it. Sometimes I see someone with hair like Brandy's and I will stare a little too long, long enough to play a little fantasy reel in my head. If they don't turn around I just pretend it's her. If you are going to keep socks, keep the fuzzy ones. She really liked them. I'll take whatever u don't want that you think she'd like me to have. I can send postage. I saw a picture of Em the other day and I could find Brandy's face in hers and it made me smile. I tried talking to God about the Brandy situation but so far all I can think to say is Dear God this blows and I guess God isn't dignifying my assesment of the situation with a response because I haven't received any messages. I am not the best friend in the world but I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I miss you and Emily so much.

Funk Be Gone

Made it thru all of moms clothing yet again. this time to pull stuff out the rest of the family might want. They all seemed shocked that I was not wanting to keep ever last sock. Will her socks bring her back or make them more easy. NO more then anything its a big pile of reminders why hold on to that. I got ahold of Mishy. THe first cloak mom got was given to her from Mishy so I needed to see if she wanted it back. I also had the dress mom wore to my brothers wedding so i called them to see if they wanted that. Then had to call gram and ask her about some stuff that she had made for her. and things that were gergrams. Making all these calls just rings to close to home of Dec 4th. But just ask Joshua I have no idea how hard it is to call some one and tell them she was dead. Really, for some reason I remember being the only family memeber there to do it. If it wernt for Lydia I would been 100% alone. And alone is just how I feel now. I have anxity over the most stupid stuff. I cry all the damn time and I hate feeling this way. Living with dad is not all bad but I live in a constent fear of upseting him or saying somthing dumb to set him off. My life feel so lost and huge lack of purpose is fallowing me around like a dark cloud. Only there is no clouds here its 110 and sunny.

Ready Set UM NO NOT YET

Interview went well. Maybe to well. They want me to work full time!!! So even though I really wanted to give this a try its not going to work. I thought about putting Emily in school for about two hours. The whole time a felt like crying and determined myself the most awful mom alive. I hate that the normal thing almost every parent does makes me feel like such a bad parent. Then again the lady at the job was not helping much. Her 4 year old called from school on her cell phone WTF cell phone. yeah I thought that too. and the started to cry because her boyfriend broke up with her. WTH OMG boyfirend and Im thinking about sending my kid to one of these places UM NO. But non the less I called gram who is all about getting em back in school and asked her to find some options for me. Talked to Mike about it. Godbless him or curse him but he put the breaks on the whole deal. School is a no go for him. He hated it. He saw how much em hated it and how much it changed her the first time. He is in no way on board with sending her back to public school. So back to square one. Home school starts Monday. I have no job. LOL Its funny how by not being able to do it all I feel bad. Its really sick. Mom said for me to stop but its like an addiction. I want to be able to work, go to school, and homeschool em. If only there were three of me. On positive note. We did discover that the metro train they have here goes all the way to Tempe so it would still be 35-45 min trip out there it would cost a whole lot less taking the train then driving and i can study while we get there. I dont have a track right by my house but with in two miles and dad said he would drop me off or watch em while mike does. On to other goals. Gave up Joe for one day but last night really really sucked. the last few days and nights have really. I just keep thinking about mom and it makes so very sad. weight loss was not amazing but ill take it im at 213.00 so 4.4 pounds down. I only had a small goal of 5 for the month so maybe ill be able to double it. but im not going to hold my breath on that idea.

I really need to get in to a grove here and find like minded people for support. THIS FUCKING SUCKS I WANT MY MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 3 for the 900th time =)

As I start day three I'm already down four pounds yay... 213.4 I know that the pace won't stay but the outfit I'm wearing for my job interview fits way betterthis week then it did last week. For today's meal were having oatmeal/ lunch of some type / dinner with beef it's not clear yet. well I can think of nothing else to say. Maybe I'll blog twice who know but I'm off to get ready for my interview.

Up up and away we go

I did okay yesterday. Not bad for yet anouther new start. Yogurt / grilled cheese / stake with vegs / and yeah ice cream. Darn it so close. So this morning just half a cup of coffee for me. I would just stop but I fear the out come of cold turkey. Today I'm thinking oatmeal part of a cheese crisp with beans and for dinner a spicy beef stir fry. Fruit salad for snack. On to other goals I have a job interviwe tomorrow.... hmmmmm..... need the money but I really hate to be MIA durring the start of the school year. I know em will adapt but I wish one time she didn't have to. I'm sure its good for her in the long run some how lol. So job would be with none other then jenny craig lol. I hope they hire fat people too. I figured i would be better at connecting then any skiny stick anyways. the job would be nights, weekends and what fun holidays. So basicly when mikes home I wont be. I just keep reminding my self just 1.5 years we will have enough things paid off that one income would be no problem. I really dont mind the idea of wirking gets.me out of the house I jusr dont like not being home when Mike is. Well lets,see if I can get some sleep before the pip gets up. As for weight 214.6 all water weight loss im sure but all take it and hope to lose some real weight soon. Very very soon.

Being bad never tasted so good

Well Lydia I'm glad I'm not to far behind but I did nothing but gain two weeks ago in San Diego so that put me even farther behind. not sure what my weight is at the moment but if I had to guess 215. I have been doing better. Now that Mike is working I in no way feel pressured to cook three meals a day. Only meal required now is dinner. breakfast has been yogurt and oatmeal, lunch leftovers from dinner before or something half way healthy. Dinner seems to throw all of my good day out the window. I know its because i have dad livign here now and he wont eat alot of a vegs. (well wont eat any for that matter) Its a working progress. My goal this month. GIVE UP THE COFFEE. I do it to my self over and over again. I give it up and turn around and start drinking it again. If it was just plain black offee it wouldnt matter so much. BUT NO half cream half coffee is not helping me. I feel very much in a slump. I wouldnt say im depressed but i wouldnt say im jumping for joy happy. Ems not doing school for anouther two weeks so im short on things to keep me busy. Also you would think being in a city with 100 people i know to start with would make the move easyer. Well it didnt. I feel alone and i get around the family and feel even more so that way. Dads home with me all day but that does little to change the alone part as he hides in his room all day. So maybe my second goal for the month will be blogging once a day. If i dont have people here to talk to at least I can talk to my self on my blog.

So my five goals for the next 30 days
1. Give up Joe. I love him but like all men he is bad for me lol
2. Blog once a day.
3. Get Emily started on second grade and keep up with it.
4. Find a job. Turns out pay for two households and a new house cost a ton.
5. Lose 5+ pounds. Just checked current weight 217.4 DAMN I have gained 10 pounds since moving here. THIS MUST STOP!!!!

Thats it for this month lets see how well i did in 30 days

I felt bad

I felt bad about kicking Aprils ass on the diet so I gained a little weight back to make her feel better. I hovering somewhere around the dreaded 200 mark. Too much summer traveling and junk food. So here is your chanc to catch up Ape. I will have you know that I am drinking nothingt but protein shakes for the next week so I dont intend to continue my downward spiral, Whenever I need encouragement I just look at the picture of you and I at the Lux Cafe in Houston. My face is freaking ginormous in that picture. I also have my BMI sheet from the childrens museum and every time I look at that I just think to myself WTF? I had intended to try 3 new things last month. I actually counte trying a Peanut butter snickers as a new thing and sharing it with Lindy's boyfriend as another (because I usually would have eaten it by myself. Scratch the shake thing that may have to start to tomorrow. I am probably taking Blazer man to schlitterbahn and how am I going to do the shake thing there. Might still do it. It will be a test of my resolve.