Back on the horse. I was doing well on the HCG diet got down to 198 but that stopped months ago and it has been creeping back. Currently at 208 and have a start date of July 7th to get headed in the right direction. The goal it to be under 200 and aintain it for this year. Next year the goal it 185. 15 ponds a year is nothing huge but just about right for some one with at little motivation as me. I go to Kansas next April I really want to not be a fat slob when I get there. Here's to starting again.

I'm so proud of April, as for me blaaa... I think I weight more than I ever have in my whole life, I'm a stress eater and I am pretty stressed out. I ate an entire little ceasars cheesy bread by myself last night.

HCG Week Four

Well as of this morning I am down 12 pounds. Yay 204. If I can get under 195 that well be my smallest since I had Emily. My goal to start with was to reach 180 andi could make excuses but the main thingis I didn't try hard enough. Sneaking thing in here and there, didn't start exercising till two weeks in, not drinking enough water that sorta stuff. Sue says my face looks much thinner and mike is so a guy he says nothing like normal. As for work I turned in my two week notice on Monday and my last day is the 29th. I start my new job on April 2nd with uhaul. Still don't know if I'll like it but I'm going to try to. Better pay, more benefits, and no gas cost. It is said that the longer you work for the company you can get full time and Monday thru Friday hours. My thought is as fast as they have turn over if I can stick with it for a year I might be able to get those hours. However if I had continue to work for sue for just six more months I could have gone to Italy. Lol so as we know if I become unhappy I'll just jump ship but O well such as life. Off to exercise then get ready for park/church day.

Week 1.5 HCG

Well so far I have lost four pounds. My goal for this week is six but it's not coming easily. I start a diet so life needs to fall apart right!!!!! So I might be changing jobs in the next two weeks. I like working for wild boomer women but Sue is a little nuts. She reverted to yelling this week about stuff that had nothing to do with me. She is a slob I'm office help not her maid. It's not my job to figure out her life for her. The other thing is she some how wants me to magically drum up PR for her company. I have never done real PR nor have I ever wanted to. I also can't have my own passwords for my email account because she needs to be able to read all my emails. Which is fine I don't care if she reads them but I at least think she should make the effort to write down my password. This week between the yelling and having to drive an hour to work each day while she is not even at the office for stuff that all could be done from my house is the tipping point. And why you may ask do I need to waste my time and gas. O that's so I can keep her dogs company while sheis gone for a few days. I don't even like dogs. As for new job. I have an interview with uhaul.i would be a work from home call center person, the hours sorta suck I have to work every Sunday. But it saves me gas at least and I would be home. Which leads to my next issue. Do I keep homeschooling or not??? Emily was tested at the school ear us she refused to read for them so they want to put her back in 1st grade. She has been doing a lot better wi her reading but just flat out refused for them. So do I keep fighting her at home or is it time to ship her off and wish her the best. I wish mom was here she would know what to do or have some feeling thAt would direct us. I know just keep swimming just keep swimming ... Crap there's a shark in the water.

HCG and 500 cals

Yup that's right I am starting HCG tomorrow. I get three load days then only 500 calories a day. If I had to guess its going to be hard and not that much fun but it's really time to do something other then chat about losing weight. I'll keep you updated on how it goes. Starting weight 215 they say I can lose a pound a day. My goal is 35 pounds. Heres to being 180 again. I can't wait.

:)

I just got very exciting news but I can't tell anyone yet. I hope it all works out.
As for weight loss yeah that's a joke lol.

Happy New year's

Here comes yet another new year. My gaol is to be under 200 by the end of it. That's only a 15 pound loss so I should not have any problem reaching that goal. I lost 15 this year so it should be doable.

Steady but very very slow.

I have been staying dedicated to eatting better and less carbs but not much change on the scale. I keep hoping i will make enough small changed that it will add up to enough and ill start to lose weight.

Are you addicted to carbs I know I am. Here is a test to find out.


YES / NO
After a full breakfast, do you get hungry before it's time for lunch?

Do you have a difficult time stopping, once you start to eat starches, snack foods, junk food, or sweets?

Do you sometimes feel unsatisfied even though you have just finished a meal?

Does the sight, smell, or even the thought of food, sometimes stimulate you to eat?

Do you sometimes eat even though you are not really hungry?

Are you sometimes unable to keep from snacking at night?

After a large meal, do you feel very sluggish, almost drugged?

Do you get unexplainably tired and/or hungry in the afternoon?

Have you at times continued eating even though you felt uncomfortably full?

Have you been on diet after diet, only to lose weight then regain it again?



Scoring

(Count your "yes" answers)

0 - 2 You do not appear to be carbohydrate addicted.
3 - 4 You appear to have a mild carbohydrate addiction which, at times, you may be able to control (although not at all times) and with some difficulty.
5 - 7 Your score indicates that you are moderately addicted to carbohydrates. At times you may be able to control your eating but you may find that stress, premenstrual changes, tiredness, boredom, unexpressed anger or pressure may increase your carbohydrate cravings.
8 - 10 You have scored in the severe carbohydrate addiction range. You may be struggling to control your eating without realizing that your body has been fighting you, literally driving you to eat and then storing the excess food energy as fat.

New Monday

Here comes yet anouther new week lets see how much motivation I can find. I really think food is an addiction but how to kill or kick the addiction is beyond me. HMMM must give up bread.

SO/SO

Doing okay on the 30 day of meditation but have found that doing it at night is a very bad idea. My mind was flooded with memories of moms last night and i sat in the other room and cryed for an hour. No the spirital centering i was looking for. Morning time works much better all fresh and new. Been fighting a cold/fever bug thing. I am really ready for it to go away. Not doing much work on the diet side of things. I do really well till about 4pm then I eat too much of bad things from there out. Im a dork what can I say. In other news I HAVE A JOB YAY>!!!!! $600 every two weeks for 15-20 hours a week. I got to work from home for the most part so it fits right in to my life. or at least it should we shall see next week when I start. I hope I love it. That extra money would make our life a WHOLE lots easyer to pay for. So for the most part to doing good but also not really getting any skinnyer which is really the whole darn point of this blog so its just a so/so life lol

New 30 day Challange

Yesterday while enjoy Mikes day off I ran across a utube video on yoga. I was searching for strerching and yoga for em and I to start doing in the morning. She has recently started dance and is as stiff as a board so I figured be a good mommy and help her out with this little thing. Anywho Tara Stiles is from New York she teaches yoga and does diffrent You Tube videos about yoga, meditation, eatting right and trying new things that are good for you. Im going to start her 30 day meditation challange. Meditate 5 or more mins a day for 30 days. I used to do this all the time and got away from it when mom got sick. Maybe when i needed it most. So time to get life back on track. As for diet hmmm well. I am still trying. to be honest I dont want to diet I want to change my life style so that I never have to diet again. So each day im getting a little bit better at making a healthy choice. I sorta like this way of thinking. I walk in to make a meal im not on a diet so i can have ANYTHING I want. but the plumb is better for me then the ice cream and I get to choose what its going to be. I lost 1 pound last week with this theory so lets see if maybe I can lose two this week. Now im logging off to compleat my 5 mins.

Extreams

Last week was a wash. For some reason if I dont start monday off with a bang the rest the week rushes by and I get nothing done that I wanted to. I had a nice long chat with Mike on the way up to Pinetop and we decided I try to hard. I so want Emily to do well that I end up adding to much stuff and making life just to hard for all of us. My mom very much did the UNschooling approach. It work I know I turned out fine Josh did too. We both have gone to college and done well. Even if josh has never gotten a degree. Regardles of knowing this I want more for Emily. I want her to have the power of knowledge on her side. So in short we picked three things to take out of her daily list of things to do. This will allow us to catch up on more important things and finish her days on time and not behind for the next week. As for weight im so sick of seeing 216.2 as there is only 3 days left before my one month goal is up and i have lost about one pound LMAO (at my self) O well theres always next month.

Goals Check in

After 17 days turns out I have met some of my goals

1. Give up Joe. I love him but like all men he is bad for me lol
- Joe is gone and out the door. I happly get the pot ready for mike each day and set the timer to go off promply at 5:30 am. Which means by the time I roll out of bed at 830 the pot is off and less tempting to get in to.

2. Blog once a day.
Hmm well I have not been blogging every day but darn close for the most part and it does m ake me feel better to have some where to vent. While only Lydia can see what I fee

l like venting about Im going with the idea of mainly talking to myself. Its odd Mom always wanted me to blog to her but I always over thought everything. When it come to you Miss Alydia I know you understand a im sorta crazy and will love me any way. I knew that with mom too but there is non of the self pressuer in this relationship so I know your forever away but you do great things for me.

3. Get Emily started on second grade and keep up with it.
YAY Emily has already started and we are currently finishing week 2. We have had to do home work on Saturday both weeks so far but were still getting used to things and I think that timing will work its self out over the next two weeks.

4. Find a job. Turns out pay for two households and a new house cost a ton.
HMM job is sorta taken off the table at this point. While we still dont really have "enough" money but just enough to scrap by for the rest of this summer and we can start saving in the winter time once cost for this are lower and we wont have to pay for gas for mike to get to work any more. Also our guess is that he should get a raise when he gets put in to his own truck. Also turns out I am not handing being off work very well but I am trying. Finding things for EM and I to do in order to fill the time is helping. This next week she is going to start Jazz dance and then Wednesday we are goign to a homeschool park day. Also thinking about going to ASU for my masters but have not put any effort in to that idea yet.

5. Lose 5+ pounds. Just checked current weight 217.4 DAMN I have gained 10 pounds since moving here. THIS MUST STOP!!!!

LMAO well i have lost some but nothing to jump up and down about 214.2 So 3 pounds down only need 2 more in abouts two weeks. If I say at this rate I should be okay.

So goals that still need work

1. Lose 2 more pounds
2. Get ems school work done by friday so were not having to play catch up on saturdays and can spend more time with mike.

Small Changes

They say small changes will equal great reward lets hope that is true. I am still getting the hang of this whole stay at home mom thing. The house stay rather clean. Even the bed gets made everyday. Ems doing okay in homework we may be a little tiny bit behind already but were getting there and I am still making small changes to a healthy life stly. We went to the library this week and I got some books on low GI eatting. Brushing up on the facts and finding new things to make. I am off my sleeping pills again and back to eatting healthy for the most part. If i could just find the will power to not go for the sweets. Heres to finding will power it must be out there somewhere.

fing bored

I know I can't expect others to make me happy but the whole point of the weekend is to be able to seem mike but intead he has spent all day out in the heat doing free yard work for other people. What does that say about what he thinks of hanging out with me.no thanks I would rather be out in 115 degrees. I know this move was going to make everyone so happy. Some how I missed the happy pill but the rest seemed to have got the right dose durring the trip.

Equal Pain

I also am having a problem caring. I lost a little when I first started to blog again but i have no been very forward moving on dieting. I did give up coffee have not had any in two or three days and the head is even not hurting this afternoon. I have been eatting a some what healthy. Yogurt or oatmeal of some sort for breakfast. Small lunches. and even dinners have not but overly huge and out done. Yet the pounds seem to not only want to stay on but increas in size. Only time will tell.

What's eating me.

Not doing good on the diet, if I'm not careful I'll lose all the progress. Part of me really doesn't care that much I suppose and I really loathe that part of me.

Getting Grovey

Life seems okay. Weight today 214.8 no loss but a little gain. O well it happens I have in no way really been trying to diet but I think about it at least once a day lol. Ems on second day of school work and so far so good. She is not fighting me on it YET. I hope we can keep it up. I have also set up a schedual for us and Im hoping this will help. We do 30 mins of reading from her what your 1st and 2nd grader need to know. We should be done with the 1st grade one but it never happened last year so were making up for it this year. After reading we get dressed and make our bed and clean our rooms. Then we do 30 mins of HOP ( thanks to lydia) We have now bought K-3 HOP program on ebay of course and it has helped SOOOO much. We got the K set free so we started there but she is zooming right along so I would guess we will be done with K with in the month and moving on to 1st grade. I hope she does just as well there so we can spend the rest the year on 2nd grade level reading. After HOP time we move to paper work. She does about 8 two sided pages a day. We have a full online program and I have read that alot of parents that use it do nothing more but REALLY kids got to learn to write at some point. after paperwork we do computer time and our last thing is 15 mins of Alone reading time. Right now she is just reading the HOP books from the K set that she already know but once we get her a little more cought up I found this online site that does book test for library book just like AR in school. They even send her free gifts once she starts getting points. after reading time she does her afternoon chores and then FREEDOM. Home schooling is so much easyer when your not trying to work and go to school at the same time. While I may be adding school back in it looks like for now no work unless I can find something part time from home. It would be really nice but im not going to hold my breath.

Off with a Bang

So I seem to be bloging more about life then weight but I say weight is directy connected to life. Today Emily start second grade and so far things are off to a good start. Or at least as good as they get for homeschool life. We didnt start on time but we started so I am happy. I have not clue what I weight today but im doubting any huge loss. Mike went back to work today of course and Im okay with it so far. Also my grandmother and her next door lady have asked Mike to do yard work. $200 a month for the two yards. That 200 puts us above water. I would still like to find a part time job. I know dad has a few bills that I have yet to take over. He sure gave up the light bill but is keeping on to 3 little bills. He will be out of money soon and i know he hate the idea of us supporting him but why make a big deal. Put your big boy pants on and lets talk numbers. No coffee today but yesterday I was not as good.Overall good day. Going to grams tonight so mike can start on their yard and my main goal once emily is done with school work.... A NAP lol

LOVE LOVE LOVE

Okay so I have been less then inspired. Haveing Mike here for the weekend makes the weekends my new best friend. I know they have been for most people in america for 100 years but I have never worked a 9-5 monday thru friday job where the weekend really made any difference. So love number two is my Lydia is writing again. It helps alot gives me somthing to look forward to on checking the blogs. Mom wanted me to participate in the blogs for years and never have I had any interest. Now I want to participate and she is not here. My thrid love for the day is dad got up started cleaning the kithen and even decided to make food. Eggs bacon and pancakes. I know its only going to be short lived but its nice to have him out of his bedroom doing somthing productive. He mowed the lawn yesterday too. So there we have it my three loves for the day. Mike, Lydia and Dad. As for weight im 214 need to lose 7 pounds to get back to my TX weight. As for job LMFAO its not really happening but. As long as we buy nothing and do nothing fun we will skate by with $50 still in the bank. Not alot but positive it better then negitive. School for Emily starts on monday and I can't get a job then I feel I should try and be the best darn 2nd grade teacher Emily could ever have. Im sure its just cuz Mike is some and I fear my funk will come back on Monday but ill try to bask in it for now.

CORN!!

I have no clue what I weigh anymore but i am going to but I am going to take a wild guess at 205, could be less. Could be more (realistically maybe). I have come to the conclusion that I am pretty shitty at dieting.Unless the pounds are flying off I amjust not that motivated. I watched a quasi documentery at about corn this morning and I realized that corn is evil. I believe it is what is making America fat. So... I am going to see if I can live a week without eating anything that contains a corn product. I know cows eat corn but I am not about to give up milk at this juncture. Breakfast HEB shredded wheat. No corn or corn products there. Score!!

I get it, I really do. I had a pair of her reading glasses and I just gave them to Dona when I saw her. I know what it is like to want to hold on, after my Lindy died I let a few things go too quickly and then I found myself wanting them. Just wanting to hang onto something I suppose, something I could touch. An object an item that said hey you are real I didn't just dream you up. Not like you could ever think that about your mother but it has been 20 years since Lindy left me and and honestly I don't feel her very much any more and that makes me sad, I remember what she looks like because of the pictures that I have, but the ones in my mind are not as clear. I am so sorry that you ever have to feel alone and part of me hurts very much for your father because I cannot even begin to imagine what his loss must feel like but then another part of me wants to knock some sense into the man. I don't know that he knows how this is effecting you. This is all that he can do to be there with you, and i don't know any answers to anything. I always suggest pouring out your soul on paper. Probably because that is the only way that I know how to do it. Sometimes I see someone with hair like Brandy's and I will stare a little too long, long enough to play a little fantasy reel in my head. If they don't turn around I just pretend it's her. If you are going to keep socks, keep the fuzzy ones. She really liked them. I'll take whatever u don't want that you think she'd like me to have. I can send postage. I saw a picture of Em the other day and I could find Brandy's face in hers and it made me smile. I tried talking to God about the Brandy situation but so far all I can think to say is Dear God this blows and I guess God isn't dignifying my assesment of the situation with a response because I haven't received any messages. I am not the best friend in the world but I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I miss you and Emily so much.

Funk Be Gone

Made it thru all of moms clothing yet again. this time to pull stuff out the rest of the family might want. They all seemed shocked that I was not wanting to keep ever last sock. Will her socks bring her back or make them more easy. NO more then anything its a big pile of reminders why hold on to that. I got ahold of Mishy. THe first cloak mom got was given to her from Mishy so I needed to see if she wanted it back. I also had the dress mom wore to my brothers wedding so i called them to see if they wanted that. Then had to call gram and ask her about some stuff that she had made for her. and things that were gergrams. Making all these calls just rings to close to home of Dec 4th. But just ask Joshua I have no idea how hard it is to call some one and tell them she was dead. Really, for some reason I remember being the only family memeber there to do it. If it wernt for Lydia I would been 100% alone. And alone is just how I feel now. I have anxity over the most stupid stuff. I cry all the damn time and I hate feeling this way. Living with dad is not all bad but I live in a constent fear of upseting him or saying somthing dumb to set him off. My life feel so lost and huge lack of purpose is fallowing me around like a dark cloud. Only there is no clouds here its 110 and sunny.

Ready Set UM NO NOT YET

Interview went well. Maybe to well. They want me to work full time!!! So even though I really wanted to give this a try its not going to work. I thought about putting Emily in school for about two hours. The whole time a felt like crying and determined myself the most awful mom alive. I hate that the normal thing almost every parent does makes me feel like such a bad parent. Then again the lady at the job was not helping much. Her 4 year old called from school on her cell phone WTF cell phone. yeah I thought that too. and the started to cry because her boyfriend broke up with her. WTH OMG boyfirend and Im thinking about sending my kid to one of these places UM NO. But non the less I called gram who is all about getting em back in school and asked her to find some options for me. Talked to Mike about it. Godbless him or curse him but he put the breaks on the whole deal. School is a no go for him. He hated it. He saw how much em hated it and how much it changed her the first time. He is in no way on board with sending her back to public school. So back to square one. Home school starts Monday. I have no job. LOL Its funny how by not being able to do it all I feel bad. Its really sick. Mom said for me to stop but its like an addiction. I want to be able to work, go to school, and homeschool em. If only there were three of me. On positive note. We did discover that the metro train they have here goes all the way to Tempe so it would still be 35-45 min trip out there it would cost a whole lot less taking the train then driving and i can study while we get there. I dont have a track right by my house but with in two miles and dad said he would drop me off or watch em while mike does. On to other goals. Gave up Joe for one day but last night really really sucked. the last few days and nights have really. I just keep thinking about mom and it makes so very sad. weight loss was not amazing but ill take it im at 213.00 so 4.4 pounds down. I only had a small goal of 5 for the month so maybe ill be able to double it. but im not going to hold my breath on that idea.

I really need to get in to a grove here and find like minded people for support. THIS FUCKING SUCKS I WANT MY MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 3 for the 900th time =)

As I start day three I'm already down four pounds yay... 213.4 I know that the pace won't stay but the outfit I'm wearing for my job interview fits way betterthis week then it did last week. For today's meal were having oatmeal/ lunch of some type / dinner with beef it's not clear yet. well I can think of nothing else to say. Maybe I'll blog twice who know but I'm off to get ready for my interview.

Up up and away we go

I did okay yesterday. Not bad for yet anouther new start. Yogurt / grilled cheese / stake with vegs / and yeah ice cream. Darn it so close. So this morning just half a cup of coffee for me. I would just stop but I fear the out come of cold turkey. Today I'm thinking oatmeal part of a cheese crisp with beans and for dinner a spicy beef stir fry. Fruit salad for snack. On to other goals I have a job interviwe tomorrow.... hmmmmm..... need the money but I really hate to be MIA durring the start of the school year. I know em will adapt but I wish one time she didn't have to. I'm sure its good for her in the long run some how lol. So job would be with none other then jenny craig lol. I hope they hire fat people too. I figured i would be better at connecting then any skiny stick anyways. the job would be nights, weekends and what fun holidays. So basicly when mikes home I wont be. I just keep reminding my self just 1.5 years we will have enough things paid off that one income would be no problem. I really dont mind the idea of wirking gets.me out of the house I jusr dont like not being home when Mike is. Well lets,see if I can get some sleep before the pip gets up. As for weight 214.6 all water weight loss im sure but all take it and hope to lose some real weight soon. Very very soon.

Being bad never tasted so good

Well Lydia I'm glad I'm not to far behind but I did nothing but gain two weeks ago in San Diego so that put me even farther behind. not sure what my weight is at the moment but if I had to guess 215. I have been doing better. Now that Mike is working I in no way feel pressured to cook three meals a day. Only meal required now is dinner. breakfast has been yogurt and oatmeal, lunch leftovers from dinner before or something half way healthy. Dinner seems to throw all of my good day out the window. I know its because i have dad livign here now and he wont eat alot of a vegs. (well wont eat any for that matter) Its a working progress. My goal this month. GIVE UP THE COFFEE. I do it to my self over and over again. I give it up and turn around and start drinking it again. If it was just plain black offee it wouldnt matter so much. BUT NO half cream half coffee is not helping me. I feel very much in a slump. I wouldnt say im depressed but i wouldnt say im jumping for joy happy. Ems not doing school for anouther two weeks so im short on things to keep me busy. Also you would think being in a city with 100 people i know to start with would make the move easyer. Well it didnt. I feel alone and i get around the family and feel even more so that way. Dads home with me all day but that does little to change the alone part as he hides in his room all day. So maybe my second goal for the month will be blogging once a day. If i dont have people here to talk to at least I can talk to my self on my blog.

So my five goals for the next 30 days
1. Give up Joe. I love him but like all men he is bad for me lol
2. Blog once a day.
3. Get Emily started on second grade and keep up with it.
4. Find a job. Turns out pay for two households and a new house cost a ton.
5. Lose 5+ pounds. Just checked current weight 217.4 DAMN I have gained 10 pounds since moving here. THIS MUST STOP!!!!

Thats it for this month lets see how well i did in 30 days

I felt bad

I felt bad about kicking Aprils ass on the diet so I gained a little weight back to make her feel better. I hovering somewhere around the dreaded 200 mark. Too much summer traveling and junk food. So here is your chanc to catch up Ape. I will have you know that I am drinking nothingt but protein shakes for the next week so I dont intend to continue my downward spiral, Whenever I need encouragement I just look at the picture of you and I at the Lux Cafe in Houston. My face is freaking ginormous in that picture. I also have my BMI sheet from the childrens museum and every time I look at that I just think to myself WTF? I had intended to try 3 new things last month. I actually counte trying a Peanut butter snickers as a new thing and sharing it with Lindy's boyfriend as another (because I usually would have eaten it by myself. Scratch the shake thing that may have to start to tomorrow. I am probably taking Blazer man to schlitterbahn and how am I going to do the shake thing there. Might still do it. It will be a test of my resolve.

Feeling positive

I have all my meals planned out for the day and all my numbers are with in the limits. Meal 1. Oatmeal and coffee. I really need to give up the coffee (AGAIN) Meal 2. Chicken and rice soup and sm. salad. Meal 3. Soy and sesame pork steak with more salad. for my Snack Im planing on having pineapple. Not sure what the heck im going to do for the rest of this week but lets hope its all low cal. and well thought out lol. If only some one would do that thinking out part for me. I think im going to look back on old post to remember what i was eating when i lost this first 20 pounds.

Time to stop dragging...

Lydia!!!!! In so proud of you and even happier to seethed you har blogged. As you can tell I have not been. Bad me lol. Well current weight is 210 so turns out 1 poud loss since las log in but really three pound gain since I left tx as I had gotten down to 207. I have vacation in two weeks so I'm goin to try to bust out of these last ten pounds holding me above 200. I so want so see a one for the first number when I look down. So time to stop dragging my feet and that 40 pounds of water. To doing as well as lydia cyz your kicking my ass right now =)

I just thought of something. If I lose 14 more pounds, I will have lost the weight of my 7 year old son. Try lifting him, he's heavy.

Things that weigh 40lbs

Holy cow was I really lugging this around 24/7? 5 gallons of water weighs 40lbs!!!!